Chapter XXI: Why The Chad Has Voted Cheryl Off The Ship

Please allow me to introduce myself, my name is Cheryl and I am the official “stowaway” aboard the Sette for this cruise. How did I finagle my way onto a dream trip to The Mecca you ask? Well, this culmination started quietly brewing more than 3 years ago when I first worked with The Chad, Sir Charles, and The One and Only Bob. They came out to Kaho‘olawe (where I work as an Ocean Resources Specialist for the Kaho‘olawe Island Reserve Commission- KIRC) to tag some seals, and tag some seals we did. We bribed them with our unstudied seals and seemingly endless supply of ice cream and chocolate milk, thereby forming the foundation of a beautiful NOAA & KIRC relationship that would lead to many fun adventures.

Gas Station Mechanics from left to right: Now TNC Koa, The Chad, Beardless Charles, My Awesome Boss Dean, & Bob Doing All The Work.

Researchers on a junk food sugar high: Bob, Cheryl, Charles, Dean, & Brenda.

Good things always seem to stem from the annual Hawai‘i Conservation Conference, and 2008’s was no exception. One of the major highlights was watching “Her Deepness” Dr. Sylvia Earle and iconic Nainoa Thompson speak- very inspirational indeed. One day at lunch, after one of their very informative monk seal forums, Tracy and Charles were talking about their upcoming cruise to Papahānaumokuākea. I chimed in, “Oooh, can I go?!”, in my typical sarcastic way. Well, as destiny would have it, Charles pulled a few strings, I completed the paperwork, the planets aligned, and KIRC was convinced that it would be very beneficial (“an investment into the future of Kaho‘olawe’s monk seal research” as Charles so eloquently put it). And there you have it- I’m in! I feel extremely fortunate and thankful to all who made this trip happen (especially fellow KIRCers who are covering for me while I’m away).

Okay, back to the theme of this blog posting: “Why The Chad Has Voted Cheryl Off The Ship”. The original plan entailed me staying with the ship for the duration of the cruise, helping out The Chad with the embarking and disembarking of researchers/gear at each lovely destination, with a mix of seal research along the way. I was ready, with five sets of quarantine outfits for each island (which was not easy to come up with considering today’s extremely bad fashion!), to have my mind totally blown by the experience. Well, it seems that my three strikes below have angered The Chad enough to have me semi-abandoned at Tern Island instead, only to be picked up at the end of the cruise (maybe…). I am describing my major offenses in detail below so that other new Sette recruits will not repeat my careless behaviors and inherit the same ‘miserable’ sentence as I.

• 1st offense, Day #2: Wearing a hat in the mess hall. It was brekkie time, 0730ish, and I wandered sleepily into a full mess hall. We were going to be arriving at Nihoa soon and I was wearing my favorite hat because I planned on being outside photographing everything I could (and, I was having a bad hair day). I actually have two of these favorite hats of mine- one extra for a quarantine outfit. I sat down with my fresh fruit and french toast at the only empty chair I could navigate to, which unfortunately was in plain view of The Chad’s hawklike vision. He honed in on my bright, cheery turquoise hat immediately and harped instinctively from across the room, “Cheryl- no hats in the galley!” This rule wasn’t in my chill, Maui lifestyle repertoire so it took me by surprise. I glanced across the table at USFWS Matt’s disguarded hat. He looked at me with the same deer-in-the-headlights eyes and said, “Yeah, he got me too.” Then he helpfully clued me in on another unwritten rule before I had a chance to get myself in trouble again: no elbows on the table, ever. Okay, good mental note for my next dinner date, thanks.

• 2nd offense, Day #3: Wearing slippers outside my cabin. I planned on sleeping in on this fine Thursday morning because my zodiac wasn’t leaving for the Nihoa coastal survey until 0930. Sleeping isn’t something I get to do nearly enough in my real life, so I was totally loving the relaxation. I envisioned making a fresh fruit and yogurt smoothie (my favorite!) and watching the kajillion seabirds frolick around the island in the morning sunlight. My two USFWS Cabinmates were oddly up at 0700 though, so I slowly decided to motivate once they vacated our tiny bathroom. Somewhere in the middle of brushing my teeth and putting my contacts in, I heard a broken announcement over the loud speaker, “All hands involved in small boat operations for the day, meet at the muffled-voice-describing-location-somewhere-or-another immediately for a safety meeting.” Immediately, as in like, right now?! A little notice woulda been nice, huh? Being rushed sucks, especially in the morning. I couldn’t even understand where the meeting was taking place, let alone get there in less than 2.2 seconds. But this was my ‘big day’ off the ship, so I had to be there for whatever important information was going to be presented. I barely popped my second contact into my uncooperating eyeball just as Charles pounded on my door, “Cheryl- boat meeting now, let’s go!” I stumbled out of the bathroom and ran down the ever-swaying hallway after him, because if I lost him I wouldn’t know where the meeting was (not that it was a big ship, but hey- that saved me valuable wandering time, thanks Charles). As soon as we walked through the last hatched door, we were right smack dab in the front of Brian’s meeting and all eyes fell on me- my bare feet actually. My Long’s baby blue slippers (which I ironically have two pairs of because they’re my favorites, just like my hat that got me in trouble) were impossible to hide, and I could feel the scouls, grimaces and looks of pure disgust torpedoed their way from every crew member. Don’t get this wrong, I actually have pretty cute feet, but wearing slippers is strictly prohibited except for in our cabins. I fully knew this but in my extreme haste didn’t ponder it until it was too late. The Chad didn’t say anything after his initial horrified gasp, he just shook his head and looked to the ground with utter disappointment. As everyone can relate, that was the worst feeling. I had let him down and I felt awful. I like to believe that my actions saved others from the very same fate, as the next morning Charles was in the shower when a similar meeting was called without even a moment’s notice. He stumbled in late dripping wet, but with regulation closed-toed shoes. You see, if I hadn’t made that horrible mistake the day before, it would’ve been him wearing the slippers. Just lookin’ out for ya and takin’ one for the team, dude. That’s what I’m here for (in case you were wondering).
  


• 3rd offense, Day #4: Eating in the mess hall after dinner hours (1630-1730). It was post dinner time by 6 minutes, 1736, and USFWS Matt and I were in deep discussion about the crisis of the planet, or something like that. He was finishing his main course of fish and steamed veggies, while I was thoroughly enjoying my last few bites of Clementine and Mike’s fantastic double-layered chocolate cake with coconut frosting (topped with healthy strawberry ice cream, of course). Out of nowhere The Chad appeared and broke our concentration by saying, “Hurry up you guys, dinner time is way over! They need to finish their jobs so they can get out of here.” Just like that, The Chad laid down the shipshape law with an iron fist then vanished, leaving us stunned. That’s his job, to keep a sense of order to these here parts. And he does it very well because without him we would surely all be running amuck in chaos and disorder, and nobody wants to see that. Mahalo nui loa, The Chad- you are the greatest!

So, you can clearly see why I’ve been voted off the ship by The Chad Chief Scientist (don’t let this happen to you). I don’t blame him. Who would want to deal with my renegade shenanigans for another 2 weeks (there’s no telling what I might do, especially during the full moon!)? Making me walk the plank to Tern is a completely fair ‘punishment’. I can only hope that poor Erin and Mark, who have been stuck with me going to Tern with them instead of Smiley Gretchen of The Massive Toothache, can handle my maverick personality for ten days. I promise to try my very, very best to change my laid back attitude and conform to the Tern Island rules and regulations, whatever they may be. I’m truly sorry, The Chad and Sir Charles, for not meeting your expectations. We had such an auspicious beginning together, and I had to go and blow it like this darnit. Maybe one day you can find it in your big hearts to forgive me...